Pati, Patni Aur Woh

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde

This is a story of a pati (n. husband, in Hindi), a patni (n. wife, in Hindi) and woh (pron. he/she, here in reference to Patni Computers, the company I led the acquisition of) or pati patni aur woh.

As with most of my other posts, this will be better appreciated by married ‘men’, because it oozes of pain, suffering, and the occasional delusion of happiness. Though to be politically correct, let us just say it would be better understood by married people in general (btw who coined this phrase ‘politically correct’? There is nothing ‘correct’ about ‘politics’!).

I have been married (yes, needlessly!) for about eleven years now. Thank you thank you, for your sym-pathies with this pati. We have been successful so far because we are ‘happily incompatible’. I realized early on that in marriage I can either be happy or right, and I chose to be happy.

It would be a gross understatement if I said marriage changed my life. Before marriage, my hobbies were reading books and playing sports. Now they include shopping, eating out, and meeting social commitments I don’t remember agreeing to. But interestingly marriage did help my career, as I started spending more time at work. And those thinking that I did it to stay away from home are reading too much between the lines (though not wrong)!

Then calamity struck twice. A year ago, I acquired another patni. And this time around too I missed getting a trophy wife! I felt like the person who lost everything in Gujarat earthquake and set up a new ecosystem in Velankanni and the got hit by Tsunami. As they say, marriage is like the army – everyone complains, but you would be surprised how many re-enlist. I was getting used to the (so inappropriately called and imaginary) ‘marital bliss’ when marriage hit me again. Hard. Without notice. Though to be fair, disasters never send a calendar invite. But people who have seen me can understand that there is only so much that my fragile body can take.

It is said that bigamy is when a man tries to serve two masters. Earlier, I had to consider the whims and fancies of one, now I have to consider whims and fancies of two. Double the drama and double the damage. I was not even able to provide time and attention to one patni (intentionally, you might say, but I will publically refute) and now imagine the stress on me with two.

One would cry for attention exactly when the other does. Needless to say, both would also ignore me at the same time. Nowadays I spend three days a week with the new patni and the rest with old patni. It also does not help matters that they are in two different cities – new one in Mumbai and old one in Bangalore.

Normally when you’re with one woman, you don’t talk to her about your other women (atleast I don’t). It’s too much information and it doesn’t help your cause. It’s basic survival instinct. Unfortunately, in my case both the patnis know about each other and fight over each other. I feel like Truffaldino in The Servant of Two Masters, except I don’t even get a script or applause. As if it is not enough trouble, the penalty for bigamy is having two mothers-in-law. Despite that, I try to convince each patni that she is the only trouble, sorry pebble, on my beach.

Lately, I have started to envy A Raja and Suresh Kalmadi for the peaceful time they are spending in Tiharjail. What solitude they must be enjoying. No arguments, no “you never listen,” no weekend plans. Just cricket, Olympics, and peace. I am sure they might not have applied for bail despite having just one patni. Maybe I should quickly try to get into a scam and get arrested.

No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other; or else he will be devoted to one and despise the other. Matthew 6:24

PS : This blog was written back in January 2012 but somehow never got published.

Mirror Mirror on the wall, who’s the funniest of them all?

 

This is an ode to one of the funniest human beings. A doyen of Carnatic music and a member of the erstwhile royal family (or should I say despite being), he is also one of the simplest men I have ever seen.

Prince Rama Varma or fondly known as Varmaji, a descendent of Maharaja Swathi Thirunal and a disciple of Dr Mangalampalli Balamuralikrishna, is a well-known figure among Carnatic music aficionados around the world. There is enough and more written about his musical prowess and achievements. However not everyone has a full appreciation of the sense of humour he possesses.

There is a perception that all Carnatic musicians are elitist and a very serious lot.  Varmaji is the first person to admit this in spite of being a Carnatic musician. That is no different from the view I hold of accountants, despite being an accountant myself. The truth is there is no bigger exception to that view about Carnatic musicians than Varmaji.

You may wonder on what basis am I making such a tall claim. Being born with 207 bones (extra one being a large funny bone), I can identify a humour sapien from a distance. I attended couple of his music workshops and got two for the price of one – it was both a music workshop and a standup comedy!

Given his virtuosity in music, I would classify his humour into saptha swara hasya:

Shadjam or ‘sa’ hasyam (sarcasm)

It is funny when Varamaji calls the event organisers as The Boss, Mr Fine Arts, etc and compares them to Mr Universe and Mr World and states that we can do anything in the sessions only with their blessings. However, it is unfortunate that his sarcasm is often lost on people.

Varmaji chided the signers who have a wrong perception that the more complex songs and ragas they sing, the more superior a musician they are. He recollected singing a Nottu Swaram in Madras Music Academy (purported mecca of Carnatic music) and added that if a legend like Muthuswami Dikshitar can compose it, then he can very well sing it.

He also took a dig at the composers saying that the content of all Carnatic music lyrics is normally sad. He feels it will always have them crying to God and complaining that God is not being considerate despite praying for long. This also shows his concern at the lack of variety in the subject of Carnatic music.

Talking about the importance of knowing the language of the song and using correct diction, he gave the amusing example of a famous singer from Kerala who has sung in many languages, which he feels all sounded like in Malayalam.

Rishabham or ‘ri’ hasyam (irony)

In a session, Varmaji asked everyone if they had watched the video he had shared before. When a person replied that she had watched a little bit, he responded saying a little bit is more not watched than watched.

When he asked someone to sing swaras of Valachi raga, a lady started singing without announcing herself. He enquired who is singing to which the lady replied ‘me’. He responded saying we all call ourselves ‘me’ and asked her name. And for the rest of the class, she was called ‘me’.

While teaching a Tillana, he asked out of the blue if the singer could drive a car. Surprised, she answered in the affirmative. To which he replied that if one could drive a car, one could sing a Tillana too because while driving you have to focus on clutch, brake, accelerator, gear, steering, etc and that singing a Tillana is also similar.

At the end of the workshop, the participants presented gratitude messages to him, to which he replied that if he were a millionaire (which he is not because he is a billionaire!), he would have sent flight tickets to all of them for his upcoming concert in Chennai.

Gandharam or ‘ga’ hasyam (caricature)

Varmaji is a great mimic and mimics most famous singers like Balamurali Krishna, MD Ramanathan, etc. He also goes on to explain the method to imitate MD Ramanathan which is by touching the roof of your mouth with the tongue while speaking or singing.

Referring to Mohanam raga, he stated said that the Carnatic musicians’ faces will be so contoured while singing that it will look as if they are experiencing physical pain and that the face will hardly be ‘mohanam’ (pleasant) at all.

While teaching the Kriti ‘Sreesha padmanabha’ in Khamas raga, the first few lines had small ‘ni’. But when big ‘ni’ came, he remarked ‘Big ni was feeling bad since only small ni was coming till now. Now big ni has come and is happy finally’.

Madhyamam or ‘ma’ hasyam (mordant)

The method Varmaji follows to teach is to sing one line at a time and asking the participants to identify the swarams (notes). When asked, one participant guessed the swaram as ‘pa’ to which he blankly replied ‘No, but now you have six more choices.’

While teaching a song which had the word suhasini, the lady was not getting the notes correct. He remarked that atleast you are looking suhasini which is correct, but you should get the notes also correct.

When one singer got the tune correct after a few attempts, he asked her to keep it there and not to change it even in October or November or December. And when one singer didn’t get it right after few attempts, he asked her to listen to the song later, not once or twice, not thrice, not 10, not 20 times, but 200 to 300 times.

Panchamam or ‘pa’ hasyam (puns)

During one session, Varmaji was teaching a song which had the word ‘varadaayaki’. He said that if we  don’t sing the swaras of ‘yaki’ correctly it will be yucky and added that it will be yummy only if we sing correctly.

When a singer was singing the word ‘srikrishnaayanu’ with a pause after ‘srikrishna’, he said you will get more punyam if you sing ‘srikrishnaayanu’ (without pause) than ‘srikrishnaa nayanu’ (with pause).

During a song when two ‘ma’ swaras came together in a line, he asked the participant to think of her uncle (‘mama’) to get it right. While teaching a song which had the term Ratnangi in it, he called on a participant with the name Rathna as it is apt for her to sing that line.

Dhaivatham or ‘da’ hasyam (deadpan/dark)

One of the sessions got extended beyond the stipulated time and Varmaji was getting late for his next session. He excused himself saying he doesn’t want to be called Late Rama Varma.

Voicing his displeasure about the crowd in Dadar flower market during Ganesh Chathurthi in the midst of the pandemic, he stated that people will first buy flowers for the puja and then they will have to buy flowers for the funeral.

Apparently, a group of well-wishers in Hyderabad celebrates his birthday every year. However, when they called him in August this year, he politely declined saying he would like to be around to celebrate his birthday next year also.

Nishadam or ‘ni’ hasyam (anecdotal)

Varmaji narrated an instance when his friend from France had come to Kerala for a 10-day music festival he was organizing. After a few days, when he checked on his friend, the Frenchman replied that everything was fine except that he did not like coconut being added in all food items. So Varmaji took him to a nice 5-star hotel that served continental food. All was well till the dessert came, when to their dismay, they found that the Chocolate Mousse too had coconut shreds sprinkled on it. Varmaji drew parallel of coconut in Kerala cuisine to how gamakams are overused by Carnatic musicians, whether it is required or not.

Varmaji was teaching a Thillana where the phrase ‘Dhir’ was written ‘Dr’. Seeing the confusion of the student, he recounted the story of a great scholar from Mysore who had released an album of Tillanas. Each Tillana started with ‘Dhir Dhir’ but the CD cover said ‘Dr Dr’ for all the songs and Varmaji said he used to think of this CD as ‘Doctor Doctor’ songs.

Varmaji had once surprised Manna De with the rare recording of the song ‘Poocho Na Kaise’ sung by SD Batish, which he played in one of the sessions. Varmaji seems to have more musical gems in his archives than treasure in Nilavara B of Sree Padmanabhaswamy Temple.

Shudha Hasya Sangeetham or Shudha Sangeetha Hasyam

The above are just some examples and I don’t think I have been able do justice to the spontaneous humour he creates with expressions and tone of his voice. If these are the things one could pick from a few formal short group sessions, imagine being a fly on the wall when he is discussing politics or, even better, human behaviour in an informal setting.

In hindsight all that I said above is redundant. Instead I could have just said the man enjoys watching George Carlin, Bill Bailey, Joan Rivers, and Spike Milligan on YouTube!

It really begs the question if he is a comic who is also a musician or a musician who is also a comic.

Joh Dhiktha Hai, Woh Bhiktha Hai

You can fool all the people all the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough - Joseph Levine

As per Wikipedia (the modern age Encyclopedia), advertising is a form of communication used to influence individuals to purchase products or services or support political candidates or ideas. But this definition is incomplete because it does not state that the influencing is done by misinformation, false claims, and often, lies. This enrages me so much that I think I have reached a state of ‘ADnauseam’ – I get nausea, when I see an ad!

Advertising should be redefined as the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have, for buying things they don't need. In fact, advertisements make people think that they have longed for something all their life that they had never heard of before seeing the ad. Just take a look at the Sky Mall magazine in a flight, where there are products like Hollywood Cookie Diet, Aquabell Sets, Active Sitting Discs, etc.

They say advertising can sell any product and I couldn’t agree more. It is easier done these days as the world today is driven by a lot of hype and less of sense. People are willing to believe anything a scantily-clad sexy woman says on an ad. Appeal to reason in your advertising and it seems you will address only 1.37% of the human race! How else does one explain such products in the market? – Relaxing Magic Showerhead, Nazar Raksha Kawach, etc.

The sad part is that advertising has us working jobs we hate, so that we can buy shit we don't need. Advertising has also changed our thinking. Last week, I saw my wife put on eye shadow, eyeliner and eyelashes. I asked, "What are you doing to your eyes?" She said, "I'm making them look natural."

My biggest grouse against advertising is how it takes gullible common people for a ride. H G Wells said, “Advertising is legalized lying”. What is the difference between unethical and ethical advertising? - unethical advertising uses falsehoods to deceive the public, ethical advertising uses truth to deceive the public.

Advertisers have taken more money from people than what government and mafia have taken put together. Like I saw an ad last week that said, “Buy one and pay for the other”! When I asked a family friend of ours, a clergyman, about his opinion of the advertising business, he refused, but he did offer to pray for those that make their living at it.

However, I have to admit that advertisers are one of the best users of humour and sex. Though there have been no studies that link humour and sex in ads to its effectiveness, more than a majority of ads use both, and use it well. But funny for funny sake could backfire, like the case of a health club whose billboard read "When the aliens come, they'll eat the fat ones first."

It is often funny to hear the claims advertisers make. Like the claim of introduction of ‘lite’ - the new way to spell 'light', but with twenty per cent fewer letters. I am told that the first strategy of any new marketing campaign is to add the word ‘new and improved’ to the product. Isn’t it obvious that a ‘new and improved’ claim is false? - Because if it is new, it couldn't have been improved and if it is improved, it can't be new! I still remember the days when razors used to have one blade. Slowly it became two and then three. Now I hear there are four-blade razors in the market. But the quality of the shave has still been the same! Hear George Carlin’s take on advertising and advertising claims (statutory warning : contains profanity).

However, advertising has become a necessity to stay in business and I doubt if a business can survive without advertising. Though half the money spent on advertising is wasted, the trouble is, you don't know which half. I was shocked when a friend of mine, who had a good business idea, said he failed because of too much advertising. On further probe, he confided that it was from the competitors.

I will end with a quote from Philip Dusenberry, an advertiser, “I have always believed that writing advertisements is the second most profitable form of writing. The first, of course, is ransom notes...”

* This blog is inspired by and dedicated to my cousin-brother Suraj