You da man, Maveli

[Legend has it that Maveli, aka Mahabali, ruled the state of Kerala in India, and was renowned for the justice and goodness of his rule. As Maveli was an asura (demon), devas (divine) felt threatened and plotted to end his reign; much like in the corporate world where established power centers plots against upcoming ones. Vishnu, the protector among Hindu gods, disguised as a poor Brahmin called Vamana, approached Maveli and asked for three steps of land. Just as the generous Maveli agreed, Vamana increased in size to cosmic proportions. With his first step, Vamana covered earth and with the second, he covered skies. Maveli, with nothing left, offered his head for the last step and Vamana pushed him down to Patala, the nether world. Vishnu, pleased with Maveli, granted his wish to be allowed to visit Kerala once a year to see if his people were happy and content. Onam, the biggest festival of Kerala, marks the annual visit of Maveli]

Our story happens in the United States of America. Maveli has lost hope on Kerala owing to his bad experiences with mosquitoes, strikes, transport bus, ration shops, monsoon, pollution and thattu kadaas (road-side eateries) in god’s own country. Armed with a special invitation from Bush (not WMD), Maveli decided to visit US this Onam to see the welfare of Keralites in US.

Maveli took the Air India (being ex-government, he insists on using government services) non-stop flight from Mumbai to New York. He wondered why the lemonade served on the flight tasted so horrible, not knowing that it was beer. Maveli asked the stewardess for a massage and could not understand why she refused, as devadasis (he was an asura king, remember?) in his Patal Force One flight used to give him a nice Ayurvedic massage.

Finding a mallu family in the back row, Maveli tried to engage into a conversation. To the question if he knew Onam, the teenager in the family replied, “There was this dude called Maveli, like he was really cool king and stuff, but some guy squashed him unda’ the ground. He comes visiting them Keralites every yea’, you know, and they celebrate Onam.”

At the New York airport, Maveli asked the blonde behind the information desk, “Can you tell me the time difference between India and US?” She replied, “One second.” Maveli replied, “Ok, thank you” and rushed to collect his luggage. Though Maveli did not know English, he carried an electronic translator that his friend James Bond had gifted him. Maveli had attempted TOEFL after reading the book ‘Spoken English in 32 days’ that he bought from Kottayam bus stand, but failed miserably.

Maveli was impressed with the developments made by America. He felt proud of the fact that while Americans made turbines work using steam, Keralites atleast had found that steam can be used to make idlis. Maveli bought the latest 3G iPhone and immediately send an SMS joke to his friend in Patala (not to Sidhu; that is his friend in Patiala) - “Do you know at what time Keralites and Americans stand on one leg? Scroll down for the answer…… when they are wearing their underwear.”

Maveli was amazed at the two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves. He saw an old woman walking up to them, pressing a button, the walls opening and the lady entering a small room. The walls closed and Maveli saw small circles lit up above the walls. The walls opened up again and, lo behold, a beautiful twenty-something-old woman stepped out. Maveli noted in his mental diary to remember to bring his wife the next time he visited US.

But Maveli found it strange that people were kissing in the public, which was a very private affair in Patala. He even found that the reaction of the women were different. While all women in US were responding “kiss me gently”, “kiss me softly”, “kiss me like there’s no tomorrow”, the reaction he got while kissing in Patala were “don’t tell anybody” or “don’t tell my husband”.

Maveli went to visit the Statue of Liberty since he had heard a lot about it. As he stood admiring the crown on the statue, a Mexican told him that it is for sale for $1000. When Maveli gave him the money, the Mexican said he will get a ladder to remove the crown and never returned. When Maveli passed by in the evening he again couldn’t help admiring the crown. The same Mexican came and told that it is still available for sale for $1000. Maveli becoming wise this time gave him the $1000 and asked the Mexican to wait and said he will get the ladder this time.

Maveli then proceeded to Washington DC to meet Bush, where he signed an agreement to supply oil to US in return for uranium to power the proposed nuclear plant in Patala. The prices of oil fell dramatically and Bush was forced to make a public statement: “They misunderestimated me. There's an old saying in Tennessee - I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee - that says, fool me once, shame on - shame on you. Fool me - you can't get fooled again.” [these are actual public statements made by Bush]

Maveli then proceeded to meet Keralites. He asked a young Keralite who was a heavy smoker, “Don’t you know that smoking is injurious to health?” The Keralite replied “I came to know the dangers of smoking after reading newspaper. Therefore, I have stopped..; reading newspapers, that is.”

Maveli subsequently went to Charlotte as he knew that Salil’s cousin lived there. Since he reached late in the evening, he visited a bar. The man on his right ordered, “Johny Walker, single”. The man on his left ordered, “Peter Scotch, single”. So Maveli ordered, “King Mahabali, married'. Maveli then flew to Fremont to visit Salil. But unfortunately, Salil was on his usual cross-country IR trips. So Maveli left a voice message and returned to Patala.

After returning to Patala, it is reported that Maveli has started using nope (for ‘no’) and yep (for ‘yes’) to answer questions. He has started saying hey (instead of ‘hello’) and eating candies (instead of ‘chocolates’), cookies (instead of ‘biscuits’) and yogurt (instead of ‘curd’). He has switched to diet coke (instead of ‘buttermilk’) and pizza (instead of ‘dosa’) for dinner. He has started taking cabs (instead of ‘taxi’) to go on the freeway (instead of ‘highway’) even if he has got to go (instead of ‘have to go’) to a place less than a mile (instead of ‘kilometer’). And it seems these days when Maveli listens to music, he says ‘yo man’ often.

God save US.. sorry Maveli!