I am sorry, are you sorry?

The only correct actions are those that demand no explanation and no apology – Red Auerbach

The word sorry is so abused these days that people no longer mean it when they say, like ‘sorry we are closed’ or ‘sorry I kept you waiting’. I was introduced to meaningless apologies by Doordarshan when they frequently interrupted the telecast (it was the only channel those days and one couldn’t even change channels) and used to apologise with a screen that said ‘sorry for the interruption’. In fact, it has reached a stage where if you really mean it you have to specifically say so, like ‘I am sorry and I really mean it’ or ‘I am really sorry’. By the way, I am really sorry I don’t know who Red Auerbach, whom I have quoted above, is.

People are willing to offer apologies for practically anything these days. Apologies don’t cost money and neither is there a tax on it. And it comes with the added advantage of making the other person happy. So the cunning ones (read salesmen, lawyers, bankers, etc; no, not accountants, they are a nice lot) are handing them out like fliers. Like the woman apologizing to her man that she was sorry she beat him up! However, there is still is a small set of uptight folks who are not all that forthcoming with it. They think that it is beneath their self-respect to apologise, however wrong they might be!

My policy on this is very simple. I, like everyone else, at times (ok, ok, most of the times), do things that bother or hurt others, like forgetting something or making an irritable remark. If my actions have caused any harm, offence, discomfort or inconvenience to a person, I apologise straightaway. Like when I met my wife, I told her that I am sorry I came into her life. I am sorry to my parents that I was born to them. I feel sorry to myself for my present condition. Coming to think of it, I apologise to you for this blog.

The timing of an apology is very important. If you delay, the issue could get complicated and the injured party might be less open to forgiving you. But you would always be able to better Vatican’s timing, which apologises a few hundred years after the deed when the injured parties are no longer around, like when it apologized to Galileo in 1992 after 359 years. Another thing to note is that if you don’t ask forgiveness now, it is quite possible that tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty!

There is a set of smart people who are good at giving false apology, which sounds like a real apology without taking any blame for the action. For example, my girlfriend tells me often, ‘I am sorry that you feel that way.’ She is only sorry for my feeling about her action and not her action per se. Similarly when my wife gets angry, she always apologizes saying she is sorry that I made her angry. Another example is the thief who was sorry that he is to be hanged; not that he is a thief.

Then there is the set of folks who get angry if the apology is not accepted. Like this guy who was caught two-timing and was shouting at his girlfriend, “I told you I am sorry. NOW what is your problem?” Another tactic is to resort to the intent excuse. I used it with my neighbor when I shot his annoying dog, “I am sorry, but I didn’t intend to shoot your dog. The gun somehow used its artificial intelligence and fired at the dog.” Don’t ask me what intent has got to do with the harm caused, but it seems to work somehow.

In the corporate world in particular the art that is followed is called ‘it is easier to ask forgiveness than it is to get permission.’ Another trick followed is to apologise after stabbing your colleague from behind. That is when I admire my true friends; they don’t stab you from behind, they do it in the front.

A really good method of apologizing is to seek forgiveness by appealing to the other person’s good self. Probably getting a little emotional also helps. Like when I screwed up my wife’s plants I told her, “I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you, honey.”

When you are apologizing to a woman, the best bet, of course, is flowers. You get two benefits with a bouquet attached with ‘I am sorry’ note – you get forgiveness for certain, while being actually sorry to the flowers!

I have had a very successful marriage so far and one of the prime reasons for the success has been our willingness to apologise to each other. Whenever I am wrong, I apologise to my wife; and whenever she is wrong, I apologise to her (like a true happily married man). In fact, I have found that an apology is a good way to have the last word!

But the best way to correct wrong actions is to try lying, blaming others, making excuses or justifying our actions. If nothing works, use one of the techniques of apologizing mentioned above and you might get away. Or, you could try singing this.